Shingo Takagi (w/ BxB Hulk) vs T-Hawk (w/ Naruki Doi & Masato Yoshino) vs Kzy (w/ Akira Tozawa) vs CIMA (w/ Flamita) vs Ryo “Jimmy” Saito (w/ Dragon Kid) vs YAMATO (w/ Masaaki Mochizuki)
Mask vs Hair Steel Cage Survival Double Risk Match
05/05/2015
Aichi Prefectural Gymnasium, Nagoya, Japan
Ok, so this match, like every Dead or Alive cage match, is fookin’ crazy, both in idea and in execution. Six men in the match and five flags hanging above the cage, with the last man not able to retrieve a flag and escape the cage giving up what he wagered in the match (in this case, it’s everybody’s hair, but it could also be a mask or a belt or whatever). No one can climb the cage and retrieve a flag without first earning a pinfall or submission on another man. Each participant has a second (or two) outside the cage that are allowed to interfere in the match to their benefit, using a variety of… props, we’ll say. These seconds will also be forced to lose their hair/mask/whatever if whoever they’re seconding loses, but once their respective participant earns a pinfall, they’re free from this contract though still allowed to interfere. One of the participants (in this case T-Hawk), determined by the luck of the draw, is allowed two seconds to help him (in this case Masato Yoshino and Naruki Doi), but must also earn two pinfalls to secure the safety of each of their wagers. And to top it all off, when everybody involved came out before the intermission for last minute comments, YAMATO somehow had control over Mochizuki, his second, using a video game controller. When the match rolls around, T-Hawk comes out in some stupid gold Guy Fawkes mask and a gold chain, and I thank god that I don’t have to hear this theme song much anymore. Kzy comes out with Tozawa, who has like, a pair of fucking bazookas, and we’re reminded that Kzy lost his hair last year in the Dead or Alive cage match after seconding Doi, who likewise lost his hair. Saito Sensei comes out with Kid in tow, dragging Kid by his wrist and patting him on the head before entering the cage. Shingo’s out next, and I loooooooooove that Hulk is his second, considering the storied history between the two. For some reason, Shingo and Kzy have a beef that I’m not real familiar with. CIMA comes out with his incredible “I rike cora” theme and young Flamita behind. Last week in some match, CIMA lost his surgically-repaired front four teeth, making this like, the third of fourth time he’s lost them, and he’s likewise broken his nose or something recently, but through it all, he’s here tonight. Finally, YAMATO’s out last with his likewise incredible YAMATO spirit theme and the brainwashed Mochizuki. Mochi’s got a boxing glove wrapped in barbed wire on, which is hilarious and crazy. Punch Tominaga is at ringside with Cyber Kong and Mondai Ryu, controlling Mochi with the game controller. The bell rings and the crowd is already real into this as everyone squares off and tests the waters. Six-way test of strength is teased, and it leads to everyone getting quick one-on-one spots, and CIMA quickly earns a pinfall with a modified crucifix pin on Kzy, securing the safety of Flamita’s mask. He tries to grab a flag, but everybody stops him, with someone at ringside firing a squirt gun at all of them. Kid climbs to the top of the cage, meeting CIMA as he finally makes his way up, and he’s got a portable CD player and plays some tune that drives CIMA back down, and the crowd laughs. Kzy and Shingo square off and Kzy gets his signature blockbuster off the ropes, then climbs the turnbuckle. Shingo meets him up there and slams his head against the cage and gets the b-boy up on his shoulders, coming down with a STAY DREAM for two before CIMA and T-Hawk break it up. Shingo, Saito, CIMA, and T-Hawk do the Monster Express “OI OI OI OI” hype up spot and run a corner train on Kzy. Hilariously, CIMA revs it up five times instead of two, and is berated by Tozawa. YAMATO is invited into the fun and begrudgingly revs up and staggers across the ring to hit Kzy. YAMATO and CIMA toss Kzy out of the corner into a fucking huge pop-up powerbomb from Shingo, but they break up the pin before Shingo can get a three count. There’s a moment where Shingo yells at Tozawa for trying to get the crowd to chant for Kzy (because Tozawa would also lose his hair should Kzy lose the match), which speaks volumes to the events that would take place a few months later. Kzy fires up and trades strikes with Shingo, with some pretty tough elbows. Kzy hits a stiff Euro and comes off the ropes, but Shingo follows him with a lariat. Shingo goes off the ropes and takes a drop toehold into the cage from Kzy, and then a shot from Tozawa’s bazooka, sending confetti flying into his face, and Kzy rolls him up to earn his pinfall and secure the safety of Tozawa’s hair. T-Hawk gets a solid stalling vertical suplex on CIMA. Saito, CIMA, and Kzy go for tandem Cycling Yahoos on YAMATO, T-Hawk, and Shingo respectively, but once Saito locks his in, CIMA and Kzy, being that they’re free to retrieve their flags, start climbing the cage before everyone stops them. Saito and YAMATO have a bit of a wrestle back and forth, and a series of pinfall attempts earns Saito a pinfall and secures the safety of Kid’s mask. Shingo continues to go after Kzy, who is able to fight back fairly well but still eats a lot of offense. He goes for a big running seated senton on Shingo, who tosses him over his shoulders face-first into the cage, but Kzy immediately grabs the cage, climbs up, and retrieves his flag, being the first man to escape the match. CIMA comes off the ropes at Shingo, trying to do the same seated senton spot and have Shingo throw him halfway up the cage as well, but Shingo refuses and just elbows him in a funny moment. YAMATO sends Saito tumbling off the top and goes for a pinfall on him, but Shingo breaks it up. Shingo and T-Hawk square off and do their big hoss spots, trading chops and lariats. T-Hawk goes for another chop and Shingo smashes down his hands and lays in a hard right to his face, but gets grabbed in a Night Ride when he comes off the ropes. Shingo wriggles free and gets in that cool pin attempt that I still can’t fucking find a name for to earn a pinfall and secure the safety of Hulk’s hair. Hulk climbs the cage and lets down a rope for Shingo to climb, but lets go of it when Shingo gets halfway up the cage, hilariously referencing their long-standing rivalry. Back inside, Shingo and Saito trade lariats and Germans. Shingo goes to climb the cage but is met at the top by Doi, Mondai, and Punch, who all stop him as YAMATO distracts Takayuki Yagi, the world’s most incompetent referee. Tozawa follow the Mad Blankey lads to the top with his bag of goodies and whack them all in the head with a big toy noisemaker hammer that he produces from this bag. This knocks Mondai down, but Punch fights it, and so Tozawa brings out a big paper fan and whacks Punch over the head with it, capping it off with a point-blank shot from the confeeti bazooka, allowing Shingo to retrieve his flag and escape. Great stuff. Back inside, T-Hawk valiantly gets the better of CIMA and YAMATO double-teaming him, and tosses CIMA face-first into the cage, which hurts his broken nose. Saito tries to climb the ring, and hilariously, Doi and Yoshino, working together years after their tumultuous tag team tenure, hit baseballs at Saito as he tries to climb the cage. Doi tosses them up and Yoshino, with a nod to his former baseball-themed gimmick, bats them at the cage with a toy bat. Fucking great stuff. They manage to knock Saito off the cage into the waiting arms of T-Hawk, who, after a bit of reversals back and forth, hits a Bakatare sliding kick and locks in the Sol Naciente, in reference to his two seconds. This earns him a submission and secures the safety of the hair of Yoshino, but not yet Doi. Saito tries to climb to the top and is chased by YAMATO, who locks in a sleeper hold on the top of the cage. Here, Don Fujii, under his Tatsuki name and wearing a school uniform for some reason because Saito has buddied up to him in recent weeks and made him change his ways in a situation I’m not fully aware of, comes out with Stalker Ichikawa and the Jimmyz and sets up a ladder. Fujii (slowly) climbs the ladder with a chalkboard eraser and scrubs it in the face of his Mad Blankey leader, YAMATO, which allows Saito to retrieve his flag and escape. On the outside, Saito Sensei and Tatsuki the student embrace. CIMA climbs the cage and is met by Mondai and Punch, who stop him and beat him back down, and Cyber Kong, controlling Mochi with the game controller, makes Mochi punch CIMA with the barbed wire boxing glove, with Mad Blankey turning on CIMA. YAMATO gives CIMA a brainbuster for two, and follows it with a Gallaria for three, earning his pinfall and securing the safety of the still-brainwashed Mochi’s hair. Back inside, YAMATO goes for a big dropkick in the corner to T-Hawk, who ducks out of the way, and YAMATO instead hits the referee Yagi, knocking him out. Doi unlocks the cage and Mad Blankey comes inside and takes apart the ropes, theoretically making it harder for CIMA and T-Hawk to escape. Hilariously, we see a brief shot of Stalker Ichikawa at ringside trying to splash water on the face of Yagi through the cage with a water bottle, and achieving mostly nothing. YAMATO takes one of the now undone ropes and chokes CIMA with it before climbing to the top. Gamma, also a member of Mad Blankey but a long-time partner and friend of both CIMA and Don Fujii, comes out, climbs to the top of the cage, and does his water spitting spot to drive YAMATO back down the cage to basically turn face. He likewise spits water all over Doi, who flees out of the cage. Back inside, Mondai and Punch go for a double vertical suplex on T-Hawk, but the Millennial reverses it and suplexes them both. Somehow now free from his brainwashed state, Mochi punches out Mondai and Punch as they leave the cage, punches YAMATO as well, and locks the cage door again with only the three participants left inside. T-Hawk hits a big crucifix powerbomb to YAMATO into the cage, and it nearly buckles onto the camera under his weight. CIMA cuts him off with a lungblower and goes to climb the cage, and is again met by Mondai at the top, slowing him down enough for YAMATO to pull him down and hit him with a chair. YAMATO whips T-Hawk into the cage and hits a dropkick before climbing the cage, but CIMA grabs him on the way up and climbs up after him. Doi climbs on the outside and meets them as well. Doi tapes CIMA’s wrist to the cage with duct tape, preventing him from escaping, and YAMATO grabs his flag to escape. T-Hawk climbs to the top, but once he realizes that CIMA is trapped, he climbs back down the cage and urges his Millennial teammate U-T to climb the cage with a pair of scissors and free him. The two men square off, clearing the ring of the ropes, and go at it as equals in a nice little moment. CIMA whacks T-Hawk with a trash can lid or something and T-Hawk fires up through it and goes for a big running chop, but CIMA ducks and T-Hawk instead chops the cage. CIMA smooshes T-Hawk’s face into the cage and has Gamma, still at ringside, smash him in the face with a pie. What a gag. CIMA comes charging in at T-Hawk, who plants a knee in his face and sends him into the cage, where Doi whacks him with a wet floor sign, and locks in an elevated John Cena-style STF. CIMA taps, securing the safety of Doi’s hair, and T-Hawk climbs the cage. CIMA stops him and powerbombs him to the mat. CIMA hits a Schwein in the corner and climbs the cage, hanging off the support beam in the corner and coming off it with a big ol’ Meteora. He begins to climb the cage and his met by water balloons from Mondai and Doi, trying to knock him off, and Gamma and Don Fujii try to stop them, but T-Hawk is already up and grabs CIMA in an electric chair, bringing him down in a big facebuster that further fucks up his nose. T-Hawk piles a bunch of chairs in the middle and drops CIMA onto them with a rough-looking B-T Bomb. He follows it up with a Night Ride onto the chairs for good measure, climbing the cage, retrieving his flag, and ending the match. CIMA is left in the ring, basically dead, and not far from it. The other participants in the match enter the ring to shave his head, as the stipulation dictates. YAMATO does it with glee, T-Hawk, Shingo, and Kzy begrudgingly and respectfully, and Saito flat-out refuses, and Doi gladly takes his place. T-Hawk finishes the job when it’s left undone after everyone has a turn, and to also prevent Mad Blankey from doing it happily. Doi grabs a mic and cuts his typical smarmy OI promo. He tells CIMA that his time in Mad Blankey is done, and to take Gamma and Don Fujii with him as he goes. Doi boots CIMA over as he’s still seated in the chair his hair was cut in, and T-Hawk comes to his aid, fighting them off, and asking CIMA to team up with him to rid Dragon Gate of Mad Blankey. After Mad Blankey leaves, CIMA catches his visage on the big screen and is aghast, but states that despite his missing teeth, broken nose, and missing hair, he’s still CIMA. He confronts T-Hawk, asking that with BxB Hulk as Dream Gate champ, and Yoshino, Tozawa, Doi, YAMATO, and Shingo making up the top of the card, is he willing to only be the seventh best wrestler in the promotion? T-Hawk makes this big impassioned response, with both men nearly in tears, and promises that the next time they return to Nagoya for Dead or Alive next year, he’ll be the one carrying Dragon Gate on his shoulders (heaven forbid). All in all, this match is real nuts. There’s certainly something to be said of it being too over the top, and that’s fair, but if you’re willing to go along with the craziness of this match, and to learn and understand all the myriad, interweaving stories working their way into it, it supplies a spectacle unlike any other in wrestling in 2015. Tons of fun, real zany, and supremely Dragon Gate.
Brock Hates Wrestling 